If Self Help is not painful, then it is not helping at all
From the department of we-want-you-to-be-careful-of-what-you-read
Our era seems to be a time of dire needs, woes, cares and ambitions. Browse the self-help corner of any bookshops, you will find advice on dating, controlling your rage, becoming the next Bill Gates and be as rich as Donald Trump.
As a typical child of a typical middle-income family, I am too plagued with self-doubts and at the same time, of course, an ambition to change the world. I peruse numerous tomes of self-help books in my past, and recently it dawns on me that, in most cases, there are two type of self help books.
The first type is what I call change your mind techniques oriented self help - visualise your success! Stand tall and firm! Assert your power! Build a pipeline and have passive income. They are usually printed in bright colours on bold laminated papers, use big fonts when Arial 12 points will do, and feature famous stories repeated ad ad nauseum - the elephant who was trapped in the cage, the two classes of average kids and one class is told that they are Grade A students and so on and so forth. The premise is - change your mind, change your outlook and you are a winner!
One book which belongs to this genre is Feel the Fear, and Do it Anyway. The premise is to repeat to yourself again and again (of course, this is an unfair summary, but anymore said I may infringe copyright laws) “No matter what happened, I can cope with it.” While this works fine when you are deciding whether to bake your own Thanksgiving turkey or get one from the local NTU Fairprice, this advice fell flat if you are a manager or a leader responsible for the jobs, lives or maybe pension funds of thousands of people. Those who have been liberated from their own self doubts, fears just by changing their thinking and ‘visualising’ success for themselves can only lead themselves.
Those books usually propose motivation posters all over the place, listening to the tapes of successful people and keep repeating to myself “I’m good; I’m good; I’m good” and doing some visualisation. Well, if I crawl into a kennel and bark like a dog, it doesn’t turn me into an adorable Golden Retriever.
Worse still, such books, I deem, are harmful to introverts, which makes up 20% of the world’s population. Most of those books are written by…extroverts. (Sounds logical. Give me three years to do the research and I’ll present it at the next World’s Self Help Convention) . If you suspect yourself to be of an introvert disposition (a personality test helps), most of those advice sound baseless, or if you are forced through it, may even hurt or harm. Introverts are in touch with themselves; they know their flaws and strengths. They need personal space and long recharge time. Telling them to “fake it as if you are a successful man and plunge right straight into the meeting” is very likely to have very bad side effects. For introverts, I propose the book “The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World”, by Dr. Marti Olsen Laney. Extroverts, if you have introvert friends who you care about (like your SO), you better read that too.
The other thing about self help books is that there are so many types of personality out there - competitive, logical, those who are grounded onto the earth and skeptics etc. Mind renovation techniques have different effects for them all. Some will find what the books say natural; other will balk. No wonder the self help book industry is such a thriving industry.
Now, for the other type of self help books - they don’t just suggest writing down 10 goals like those Harvard students do (havent we all know the importance of SMART goals?) or print bright comforting slogans (YOU ARE UNIQUE AND YOU ARE THE BEST) on brightly laminated pages. They demand you to learn discipline. For the heart is the wellspring of all thoughts. Your thoughts, while partly subject to chemicals, upbringing and genes, are also controllable. Those books demand you to subject yourself to a discipline of reflection, soul-searching, re-evaluating your life - asking you to become who you are supposed to be, not Donald Trump. Nope, I am not talking about the Bible, by the way - and it’s not New Age mumbo-jumbo.
What those books say is this “Changing yourself is hard. You have to go down to the root of it all - your values , habits and your beliefs. Repeating slogans only change the appearance. There are some universal principles in life that we all ought to know, to be disciplined and conditioned to follow and it is going to be difficult.”
You may not become Donald Trump this way, but at least you can find the real you, which may means a lot more to you and your friends and family.
Some examples? Try Today Matters, by John Maxwell. Then you’ll see that changing yourself is hard, life-long and a discipline. And if you need to change badly, find a therapist.
Aren’t we all Happy ?
Here’s an article from Australian Broadcasting Corp’s website. Interesting read. We have a worldclass airport, world class Universities, world class non-corrupted goverment with world class pay for MPs. Yet …. most singaporeans are often stressed out and unhappy. Is material wealth = happiness ? At the same time, many singaporeans worry about retirement, money for medical bills and rising costs of living. What is real happiness? Is it illusive ? What are dreams ? Are they worth pursuing ? Can dreams keep out stomachs full ?
Read http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/03/20/2196195.htm
Stressed Singapore hunts for happiest person
Posted
A search has been launched for the happiest person in Singapore, where a recent survey found that 90 per cent of its population feel that life is stressful.
The aptly named Philip Merry, chief executive of consulting firm Global Leadership Academy, is tasked with locating the cheery resident.
“Being based in Singapore and having trained thousands of people across the globe, one distinct trend I have noticed is that despite material wealth and economic success, Singaporeans consider themselves less happy than many other people,” said Mr Merry, who was given two weeks from last Sunday to complete his quest.
“Singaporeans fret about financial security and retirement. Many Singaporeans are concerned they do not have enough money to grow old gracefully, and that seems to make them unhappy.”
Despite its affluence, a poll by advertising firm Grey Group found that nine in 10 people living in the city-state said they were stressed.
Under the contest, citizens aged 18 years and above can be nominated for the title of Singapore’s Happiest Person 2008.
Mr Merry has asked nominators to explain in between 300 and 1,000 words why their nominee is a “model of happiness”.
The winner will stay for free at a beach club in the Thai resort island of Phuket.
The search is being held in conjunction with a conference on ‘The New Science of Happiness and Well-Being’, to be held in Singapore next month.
Almost 60 nominations have been received so far, Mr Merry says.
- AFP
Plant your garden here. Now.
From the department of we-want-you-to-do-something-now.
Make what you will of the Old Testament but even if you just treat it as just another fictional book, there are some nuggets of life lessons it can teach us. So stuck somewhere near the end of the Old Testament is a book called Jeremiah, and in that chapter, terrible things happen to Israel; the Babylonian armies invaded the country, owned the Israelite army and looted everything. They also bring the elites of the country - priests, scribes, nobles and etc. to Babylon - into exile.
(Bear with me, history lesson will be over in just a short while). So at Babylon, the exiles began to long for the old way of life back at Jerusalem. They wanted to go back so badly that they began to believe in their religion again. And it was at this point, a number of so-called prophets spotted the market trend and the instant chance to be popular, and began to prophesy that “Don’t worry; A miracle will happen just like for us back in Egypt; if you can’t remember, go watch ‘The Prince of Egypt’!”.
(History lesson will end in this paragraph). So the exiles began to live the life of mundanes; they just live from day to day, live off the land and just, you know, slack. Why bother doing anything worthwhile when you may be going to be somewhere better soon. Remember, those were the elites from their homeland, living like leeches. Then one day, Jeremiah sent a letter to the exiles. It basically said “Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their products…seek the welfare of the city [Babylon]” — supposedly a command from their God.
In short - dudes, you are staying at Babylon in exile for a long, long time. Got off your ass and work. Where you are now is the best place to be.
Interestingly, in Singapore we are the opposite. We in Singapore are not exiled but we live like exiles. This is the place we hate, loathed and for guys, have to deal with NS and reservists. There is less freedom of speech, less welfare, less opportunities and etc. when compared with other countries. We wish to migrate; and ironically, it is always the elites of the country, those who are affluent, well-trained, talented, who sought to do so. Or even some of us, thinking that we could do nothing here, settle for a mundane life of day to day complaining, paycheck to paycheck mourning and year to year grumbling.
This is where we are at, Singapore, and the chances of migration, depending on who you are and whom your parents are, are low (and you think other countries are really better. Research). We think “When I leave Singapore I will make a difference” or “Since I can’t leave Singapore I won’t make a difference”. Try answering this question; if someone says person so-and-so is such a person, what would you think of him? Now, if you are such a person, what do you think of yourself, and ultimately, will you change? The likeihood of Singapore changing geographically, economically and politically is lower than you changing yourself and your outlook.
So what are you going to do about your garden?
01. Peaches and Lemons
from the department of we-can’t-tell-whose-who
The problem with many people is that whenever they have a problem with their lives, work or love they usually ask help from gurus, experts and religions. Not that it is a bad thing but just how many of you are willing to turn to economics for help?
Yes economics. Because economics will tell you who will get what, how and why. Until you realize where your money is going you are bound to make less than satisfactory decisions in life.
Where wondered why working in Singapore is so frustrating? Why do our colleagues always seem to get ahead when we are so much more talented? Why are we all working our socks off to get returns of peas?
Well life in the Singapore company is like a tournament. At a tournament players are rewarded for winning not for trying. But they try anyway. This is something employers have noticed. They know that most of us want to reach the top and catch those glittering prices.
This is why your bosses pay silly money not to encourage him to perform but to encourage you to perform in the hope that one day you could be in his or her shoes.
The problem is that while this worked well for the companies this isn’t great for the workers. Because let’s face it we all can’t be winners and there is only so many top jobs available.
So how can you be a high flying winner? To start you need to know how the game works.
You might think that success at work is all about finding the ideal job and doing it brilliantly. Well I hate to break your heart but it’s dead wrong. And you might think it’s about appearing to do it brilliantly. Well wrong again.
It’s about information. Believe me some bosses don’t know if you are any good. After all you could be faking it. And if your boss is too busy or too far away or too ignorant of your specialty he may take a very long time to find out.
This is what we call Asymmetric Information where a person holds better information than the other. This is not only a problem for your boss it’s a problem but it’s a problem for you.
The common expression Peaches and Lemons is often used to distinguish good bargains from bad ones. The problem is whenever you go to a store to buy something for bargain you always want the best bang for your money.
Unfortunately you don’t know the peaches from the lemons. But the shopkeeper on the other hand knows precisely which of their products are peaches and which are lemons. And this is the problem your bosses face. It may not be obvious which of you is a peach or a lemon.
And this is the problem with Asymmetric information. Since we both don’t have the same information we don’t know for sure if the shopkeeper is telling the truth about his or her products. Because you can never tell if the shopkeeper is telling you the correct information or just bluffing you for his personal gains. And this is not only the shopkeeper’s problem it is yours too because you can just leave and not buy anything at all.
So without having all the information how do we indentify whose smart and whose loyal and whose hardworking and more importantly if you know you are a peach and your boss doesn’t how can you proof it?
Employers always want to know whose hardworking and whose faking it. And if you really want to get ahead you need to demonstrate it. To proof you are a peach and a lemon starts at school. But proof is no easy matter because you need to send the right signals.
Students are in the business of proof. They are collecting evidence that they have the attributes employers are looking for. And that evidence is doing something other job applicants would find lazy or too stupid or unable to do. And this is what called signaling.
A signal is something that proves your ability and can’t be faked. What job you have and where ever you are in that job, signaling is the proof that put you one step ahead.
In a world of asymmetrical information, people can’t see that you are a peach and you need to send creditable signals.
Create for Creation’s Sake, Please
from the department of we-will-only-do-it-if-it-gives-us-some-return
Does Singapore have the capacity to produce anime, creative pieces of claymations, digital cartoons and traditional animations? Sure, we can. Only if it is related to making money or National Education. Sit on the bus or just search for those NE Animations and you will see various students’ work on why we should all band together as countrymen, unite as one, fight for the common good and be a part of total defence.
This is all good and dandy. Some of the animations’ quality are remarkable. However, why don’t we see this type of effort for just, you know, plain cool kickass stuff? Like ninjas having a showdown while the first light of dawn breaks? Why is that if we have to do something creative, it must be national education related or rake in large amount of money?
Look at the news for games industry and animation, and it’s always about the big studios coming in and we are working together with them to produce entertainment. Wait a moment here - do we need them to create entertainment? Must everything we do have a budget of five digits in millions? (and perhaps returns ten times that amount?). Why aren’t there more people who create entertainment in their free time, instead of waiting for big budget studios to come? Why aren’t there more people creating fun stuff, despite knowing that they won’t get anything back in return? Why don’t we just create with what resources we have, instead of wanting the sky and everything even before we learn how to be creative? And how is Singapore going to have an entertainment industry if people are not willing to create just for mere passion alone? You cannot transplant a tree if you don’t have soil in the first place.
We seem to be stuck in a mode of “do it only if it yields returns” or “only if it has some educational purpose”. Even our movies can be seemed as cultural propaganda which “sells” Singapore and presents it as more exotic and weirder than it is. Can’t we just, you know, do something fun, normally?
Freedom!
Hurray democracy!
Aye to capitalism!
Yippee! The Berlin Wall collapsed!
Those guys who demolished our World Trade Center are having a fine time in Gitmo & Abu Ghraib if they’re not being baked by the Devil in Hell, already!
Only Communists and Totalitarian States censor the media, thank God Almighty that we, the God-chosen West, are free to say and do whatever we want, as long as Laissez-Faire Capitalism and the Free Market Economy and Freedom of Speech and our ‘National Interests‘ and ‘the Truth about 9/11 (i.e. it was them freedom-haters)’ are sacrosanct!
Yeehaa! God wants us to develop and prosper as a Nation, and to grow, we need oil, lots and lots of oil. Who cares Mr Bush, Cheney and Powell lied? They lied white lies! Our old friend turned traitor Saddam is now dead.
Our right to bear arms is preserved (School shooting? Them students don’t know they also have a right to bear bulletproof vests? God, what is happening to our Darwinism-poisoned educational system?) and our genius economists are doing their best (God bless ‘em… all of ‘em) in manipulating the interest rates so that we have enough money to pay our good old friend Halliburton to take even more oil from Iran (C’mon! They don’t need oil to make nukes! Why not give it to us? Everyone will be happy!).
Global warming? Our former Vice President won the Nobel Prize (the stinkin’ No Bell Prize, for God’s sakes!) for trying his very best to fight it, right? World hunger and poverty? Haven’t we been fighting a war against that with our celebrities as soldiers for as long as the sanctions-caused starvation of Iraqi children (which I’m sure was ‘worth it’!)?
We are virtually the center of the universe! The sun orbits around us while the Earth orbits around the sun! Everybody in the whole world cares about us (thanks to CNN, Fox News and the sometimes naughty YouTube) such that a 24-year old fool from Singapore with nothing to do cares to write about us!
So what’s the problem now? Everything’s gooooood!
I Go To Work So That I Can Gain Experience
From the department of good-for-them
Most people I have talked to tell me that I need a get a job to gain work experience. To me that’s like saying I should play soccer to get the experience of playing soccer. We gain experience from the act of living, regardless of whether we are employed or not. Take for an example while I was in the army I only gain experience at that job. But we gain experience doing just about anything in our lives.
Many years ago I found out that you learn a lot in the beginning of your job and then you stagnate. This forces you to miss other experiences that would have been more valuable. And jobs don’t last forever esp. those that can and eventually be replaced technology and low cost labor and what happens next is really quite simple. We have seen it a hundred times over. You get laid off and your work experience won’t mean anything to anyone.
In fact, just ask yourself if the experience you are gaining now be any worth in say 10 to 20 years. Will your job even exist?
You have to make your own choice. What kind of experience would you rather get from life? The knowledge of how to do things well which you can only yield by spending your time and money or the knowledge on how to enjoy financial security for the rest of your life without ever needing a job again.
It’s your choice.
Praying To Trees
From the department of good-for-them
It’s unseemly and unfortunate that after 2000 years of civilization built upon intellectual reasoning and scientific rigor, we still have people in Singapore praying to trees for 4D numbers.
How To Tame Someone Into An Employee
From the department of put-up-or-shut-up
This is no simple task. To tame someone into an employee. The first of which is to give them a weighty policy filled with nonsensical rules and regulations that are designed to break their independent will. Once the new employee has read the policy he or she now has reasons to be fearful because they now know they can be disciplined for their mistakes as interpreted by the policy.
Thus, the new employee will simply obey the boss’s instructions without question to simply stay on the boss’s good side. Add some office gossip, backstabbing and bootlicking stories to the mix and we have a we’ve got a freshly minted mind slave.
To further reinforce their obedience to you. You can demand that they dress, talk, move and socialize they way you see fit. After all we pay for them. We just can’t have our products running all around thinking for themselves, now can we?
I know of some Singapore companies that forbid you do certain things especially during “office hours”. Answering personal phone calls or even taking a short break to watch YouTube are grave office sins.
To some bosses it’s like the end of the world because time is money. We just can’t have our employees taking a break or talking to family and friends can we? We need to discipline them at once and maybe send them for another round of sterility training.
I for one don’t give a shit about such rules and regulations because they are just plain stupid and people listening to them well… need I say more.
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